Opening my Mail
© 1999 Michael Buselli

One day I'm in the elevator at my apartment building. I had just gotten my mail from my box downstairs and was opening it and reading it when a particularly ugly young woman (she could have been pretty if she had tried, I think, but I'm not sure) says loudly, ``Excuse me! Don't you know that it's rude to open your mail before you get to your apartment?''

Well, as a matter of fact, I had never heard anything so ridiculous in my entire life. I had two more letters left to open and read at that moment. ``Um, no ma'am, I've never heard of that.'' RIP!! One more leter left to open.

``Hmpf! Well it is!''

``Oh? Why is that?'' Is the sound of the ripping envolops annoying? Is it because you don't get any mail because no one likes you and are jealous of me?

``Because it just is! It's rude and crude!'' Rude and crude, huh? Wow, I feel so enlightened to know how rude and crude opening my mail before I get to my appartment is.

She continued, ``People that live downtown never open their mail until they get to their apartments! You go down there and you'll never see them open their mail until they get to their apartments!'' Oh. Of course. People that live downtown don't do it, therefore it's rude and crude. Perfect logic. Guess she showed me.

``Oh, well I'm sorry you feel that way, ma'am. Have a nice day.'' RIP!!